Dear Ralph: The thin line between Changing my man and airing my view in a relationship

Hello Fam, just before this session of Dear Ralph I want to encourage everyone to drop their comments and inputs on the advice. Feel free to object or support any advice I give. It's all in the best interest of the poster and the family as a whole. So lend your advice and support through the comments section. It'll be really helpful. Remember the Dear Ralph section is dedicated to helping out real people with real issues and it's one of the reasons I opened this blog. If you are reading this then I look forward to your participation. Ralph does not....I repeat DOES NOT know half of what you guys know, so your contribution would highly be appreciated.

 Alright let's do this...







Hi Ralph,
You once said you were Ill. I hope your health's back to 101%.I'll cut to the chase.

Apparently these memes and blabla we keep seeing about relationships on social media tend to confuse someone (me). One size doesn't fit all apparently but some general rules apply abi?
 Please help. They say we shouldn't try changing anyone right?, that we should leave change for God. But what happens when you really truly love someone, but they keep doing the things you can't stand over and over again.  How does one draw the line between airing their views so that the other party can work at it (for peace to reign lol) and trying not to change the person. I said confusing because do we pray and hope they change or speak up so they can work at it or keep forgiving until...
Don't get me wrong o, i'm not perfect either.‎ I really want to make this thing work.


‎Regards,
Bola














Hello Bola

I'm much much better now and thank you so much for checking on me. I appreciate the concern
Let me also apologize for not answering for some days, the election craze kind of got me distracted but you have my full undivided attention right now.

The truth is that one size doesn't fit all but some (very few) general rules do apply just like you said.

To achieve what you are looking for takes some serious balance. Balance in the sense that it's a very thin line and emphasizing too much or too little on the issue coupled with the manner in which you do it, could be that difference between airing your view, not making your point at all and trying to change the person. So my advice is this...

It all comes down to having an understanding with your partner. Your communication with them and your ability to make them see and fully understand through words, what their actions are causing for you and the relationship plays a key role. It also depends on what in particular it is that you are trying to change. I believe it also depends on the manner you use to approach the problem. It's a really complicated topic so i'll go ahead and give you a hint.
      Try this out, simply state the problem to the person. Then tell 'em the effects that it's causing on you and on the relationship then also highlight how things would improve if they choose to change their actions. IF possible verbally let the person know know that you aren't trying to change them but that you feel you also have to express yourself. Let them know it's not a thing of selfishness but that it's in the best interest of the relationship. Then when you have said yours, allow the person to analyze the situation and make the decision to change on their own. Sometimes you don't have to look at it as "CHANGING" the person. Instead look at it as you trying to show the person a better way for things to workout for the both of you.

 Another hint is to actually have a discussion and not a talk where only one party airs there view. So if you have any talk with him, make sure to give him a chance to air his own view. If anything confuses you then ask him for reasons why he has chosen his decisions.

Now the thing I feel about change is that you can't fully change a person even if you tried. All you can do is... should I say tweak certain characters that aren't allowing the both of you to move forward. And the best way to do this just as I mentioned above is by making the person know that the choice to improve is totally theirs and that you aren't trying to push them into anything. But at the same time also make them understand how you feel about the way things are. All you should do is highlight the benefits of changing and the consequences of their present character and hope they understand well enough to consider changing.

Also bear in mind that certain characters that look bad upfront actually happen to protect the relationship in certain ways that you might not understand at that point.For example jealousy and some manners of pride, the names alone make you want to frown but trust me, they are needed in relationships. Sometimes it also take time and patience for you to be able to understand everything surrounding a persons decisions fully. If you find it hard understanding then simply communicate with the person and ask they enlighten you more. Give yourself a little time and try some patience to know if you will get to appreciate some of those characters in the long run.

My last advice is this. Forget those memes and just live your life. Most people who write those things do it to suite their own present situation. They weren't considering you when they wrote it so honestly, just concentrate on your own relationship and how to improve it. It's okay to read the meme's but don't let them affect you or your love life.

I hope this clears things up a little bit for you. If not then hopefully the rest of the Family will be able to say a couple of things that could help you. Best of luck to you and your man. Hope you guys sort through this.

Ralph