Dear Ralph: Girlfriend won't give "IT" to me but chats about it to others

Hello Ralph,

        There is this girl I met about 7 months after my 4 year relationship ended. She is a virgin and I confirmed it myself. I have been taking good care of her since the first week I met her till date, the problem there is that she doesn't want to loose her virginity till she gets married. I love her but not so sure about her, I don't want to keep taking care of her and finally she will say goodbye to me. I can actually stay without doing anything with her until she is ready to marry but I just don't want to be played with. Part of my reasons for distrusting her is that on two occasions, I have seen some strange messages on her phone and some bbm s*x chat. Each time I see her, she apologizes.

   When ever I talk about intimacy with her, she will ask me to find another woman and go be intimate with her, but if it comes to money she is good in demanding it. I don't double date and I don't cheat, but I don't want to feel like a fool at the end of everything. This week though I asked her to give it to me before the week runs out or we would end the relationship and she said that she can't. 

                                                                                                                                                       Femi

Dear Femi,
        You know the way we guys feel when we are given an ultimatum about marriage? It's kind of the way we make the ladies feel when we give them an ultimatum about intimacy. What I tell people is to always remember that her body is hers and it's hers to give. She has to be comfortable giving it to you because she holds it sacred and you should also make her know that. Regardless of any other thing she is doing, I don't think that intimacy should determine whether you take care of a lady in a relationship or not. However I do understand what you mean and how you feel about this based on what you have said about she having some kind of chats with certain people. You wouldn't want to feel like a fool at the end of the day so it would seem easier to grab what you can before she dissapoints you. But i'll let you know that this isn't the best solution.

The truth is that nobody can say if she is going to leave you tomorrow. But if she does then just count yourself lucky. Why I say this is because you could take care of her and all even be the one to break her and do everything to keep her till you both get married and she would still do something with someone else. It is still possible that she would wait for you to break her and then by then you would have released her chains. If she carries on and does anything with any other person, you might not easily detect it anymore. So at the end of the day you find out that the most important thing is knowing the kind of person that you are with and knowing what they can and cannot do.

Based on her chats, I would advice that the both of you revisit issues concerning who she keeps as friends and the kind of boundaries she should have when talking with others. Let her say what she really wants and have her know that if she is planning on just exploring a little, it is only a matter of time before she is dragged in too deep and does something you both would regret. Let her cut the adult chat with strangers.
     One other way you might be able to deal with this is to encourage her to do the adult chats with you instead. Tell her that instead of doing all that with those strangers that she should feel free to chat you up and you both can have fun. That way she would be able to fulfill her mental curiosity, keep her relationship and build a stronger bond with you.

I really don't want you to try and "grab what you can" as a payment for taking care of her, just in case she doesn't act well in the future. Instead, if you do not trust her and feel that she would leave you tomorrow or loose herself to somebody else if you don't do anything, then you might want to consider the relationship again. In a way what you are thinking of is to tie her down by breaking her seal or to make sure that you've done what you want so that if she wants to leave she can. At least by then you would feel better knowing that she just didn't come and use you without giving anything in return. Instead of that, why not try and work issues out and tell her your concern about the way she acts. If it is looking like her actions in the relationship is something you can't handle then have a rethink about it all. Know whether you still want to remain there. But I really would suggest you don't try to use intimacy to tie her down, most relationships that are like that end up being a disaster in the long run.

Finally regarding you giving her money. I just want you to make sure that the reason you give her money and take care of her anytime she asks isn't just so that she won't leave you tomorrow. Make sure that the reason you do it is because it's what your heart tells you to do and that there is no other condition attached to it. Do it because you want to do it not because you have to do it. That is the only way you would be able to enjoy or at least be okay doing it when you will have to do it.

I really hope you get to understand what I explained and make the right decision with my words in mind. Take care for now.,.

                                                                                                                                                     Ralph