Dear Ralph: My brother is being deceived

Hello Ralph,
       I and my brother are the only children that my parents gave birth to. I guess because of that we became very close and developed a strong bond. I have always looked out for him and he has always looked out for me. Even after my marriage we still communicate very well. My brother recently started talking about a girl that he wanted to get married to and was always gushing about her. I was so happy and excited for him because with his introvert nature I wondered if he was ever going to meet someone. I was very happy to hear this news and told him that I would like to meet the girl. He brought the girl to the family house and when she walked in I couldn't believe who it was. It was someone I knew about.
Now my brother is not the outgoing type but I am and I know people around town. Owerri is a very small place and everyone practically knows everyone. I know I grew up there and i'm a lady but the girls in this town are not to be trusted. This particular girl that he brought to the house has been around and is popular for sleeping with politicians. She has no boundaries and truth be told I think she is only coming after my brother because of his money. I even asked a friend and she said that she has been married twice and was chased out due to infidelity both times. Now my brother sounds really in love with this girl and I don't want to be the one to break his heart with the news. I don't know what to do but I know that girl isn't with him for any good. Please I know I have to tell him but how do I do this without hurting him. Or should I just leave him to find out on his own and not tell him anything? Thank you and God bless you for what you are doing with your blog.

                                                                                                                                                      Destiny













Dear Destiny,
        I understand the mental state of confusion this situation must be putting you in but be rest assured that i'm going to try my best to help you out with the best advice I can. So here we go...

Firstly i'd say I feel you should bring it up with your brother because, well he is your brother and you love him. You know you have to try and protect him from any unforeseen danger he might be heading into. However I know it must be difficult for you because of the fear of him seeing you as a hindrance to his newly found happiness and maybe even mistake your intentions. However I can tell you that it all depends on the way you speak when you tell him.

Try not to come out straight and tell him what to do. Do not state your own feelings directly to him so he doesn't feel that it's all about you. Call him and ask him what he loves about the girl and let him tell you everything. Ask him why he feels she will make the perfect wife for him and how long he has known her for. Maintain a calm and warm approach that also shows positive interest when speaking to him. If he feels you are questioning him to criticize and not out of positive intent then you will find it hard to pass your message across. Ask him of the faults that she has and if he can cope with them for life. When he tells you his reasons and her faults then just analyze them by yourself and if possible point out a couple of points for him and give him tips that could help him survive her faults. Tell him how marriage is with the ups and downs. He will listen to you because you are married and you have some experience. Now this first part of my advice is very essential because it serves to show him that you aren't coming as an enemy to his happiness but that you have his personal interest at heart. After this first part then you can move on to the next.

Before you start this next part of the discussion you can choose to reassure him that you love him and that you will always want his happiness and that no matter what he should always remember that. Tell him that you are happy that he finally found someone that he wants to settle with. Then tell him that you know her and that you have some very disturbing information about her that he might not like then ask him if he wants to hear them, with his permission you can carry on to tell him what you have heard and what you know. Make sure to differentiate the ones you know from the ones you only heard and tell him. You can also try to take a different approach by instead asking him if he knows about the disturbing news first or if she has told him anything. Once you tell him what you know just let it go and if possible just advice him to confront her and hear her own version.

 Make sure you are fair when speaking to him about her and not evidently trying hard to make him leave or hate her. It is very important that he knows that it's all up to him to do what he feels is best and that you are only trying to look out for him. He has to know that the choice is all his but that you just had to tell him what you know.

The truth is that he has to be the one to make his choice. He has to know if he wants to carry on with her after he finds out or if he wants to leave her. I like to believe that People can change and I really hope that it's the case this time. So he has to speak to her and judge by himself, he alone knows if he would be able to handle the responsibility involved in being with her. Just do your path and allow him the space to think and make his choice. It's all up to him.

                                                                                                                                                         Ralph