Dear Ralph: I'm caught between two men

Dear Ralph,

    I need help. Two guys are fighting over me and the problem is i'm attracted to the both of.them because the both have the qualities that I want in a partner. I am 20 and the guys are 22 and 23 respectively. Both of them are always there when I need someone to talk to. They encourage you even if you are down. But what differentiates them from each other is that one is more emotional than the other. Also one is closer to my family and want me to get closer to his family than the other. Please the one am closer to his family has been my friend for about two years but I am confused because I don't know how to trust in guys because of my past experience. When I was young I was almost raped and I also witnessed my dad cheat on my mum. So as I was growing up, I had this perception that guys are really not to be trusted and also they are unfaithful. I don't know what to do please help me and advice me what to do or any tips.

                                                                                                                                                     Princess












Dear Princess,
         I think we can solve this issues by looking at things from a different angle from the way you are looking at it. This will help you make your decision.

First of all, instead of looking at how good they are to you and how they are always there when you need them. I need you to look at their negative side. Which one do you think you will find it hard to cope with his negative side? Even if a persons positive is everything you want in a person, if you cannot stand their negative long enough to enjoy the positive then it is going to be pointless. So take your time and study their negative sides instead. While doing this, do not 'try hard' to get irritated by them or even make an attempt to look hard for it, just let it happen naturally. It will take some time so relax and study them more.

Also another thing you mentioned is how they encourage you when you are down. I want you to think about all the times each person has spoken to you. Who do you feel you tend to listen to more. Or the person whose words seems to reach to you more. That ability for the person to speak in a way that you get and your ability to accept and understand their words is going to help also. So it's not all about what they say. It's about how you accept it and which of them naturally soothes you.

Let me highlight their differences also...

The Emotional One: Remember that this could have its negative and positive effects. A man that is excessively emotional would love you easily and deeply but find it harder to forgive because any pain you bring them will be equally felt deeply and easily for a long time. This will make it harder for them to forget and consequently make it harder to forgive. They will tend to cling onto any emotion felt be it positive or negative. Also regardless of what some women feel, naturally women prefer men who aren't too emotional, they prefer men who demonstrate emotional strength (but not emotionally numb). This is because women are more emotionally attached and need that man to be their strength. So if both the man and the woman are emotional, then who strengthens who? Although there are exceptions, so are you an exception?

The Family Ties: Close family ties could be an advantage and a disadvantage also. It would be easier to blend into the family. Especially when it's time for marriage and you have to get closer to them. You wouldn't face the awkward situation that most people have to face when it's time to meet the parents. Also you get to know the family that you could possibly be married into before time and discover if you want to be a part of the family. Then again, if anything seriously goes wrong with the both of you, the effect of the damage could extend to your both families. So think of this also

The reason why I have highlighted the advantages and disadvantages for both of them is for you to analyze closely and see things you might not have considered. It all boils down to what you can handle. So take these tips, give yourself some space and time from the two guys. Sit down analyze and them to know what you can handle.

Finally if it helps, just shut your eyes and listen to your heart...

I am really sorry to hear about the incidents that you have experienced in your life. I just want to tell you that there are good men out there. Yes, they are hard to find but they are there. Work on being a better person and you will attract the right people. Do not let the fears of the experiences of your past stop you from enjoying a good future. I promise you, this life has a brighter side than what you have experienced. Thanks for writing to me and I hope to hear from you again soon. Welcome to the family.

                                                                                                                                                         Ralph