Dear Ralph: My friend's indecisive girlfriend

Good morning Ralph,
        I need to help my friend with an advice and was hoping I could come to you to give the best suggestion. This friend of mind has been in a relationship with a girl that he really loves for about 4 and a half years. The girl claims to love him but I don't see that. On two different occasions he has told me about how the girl leave him to start picking interest and following up on a purported suitor. My friend is still in school but about to finish but these men are already out and looking to marry. Now she would go and after it fails due to many different reasons best known to them she would come running back and begging for him forgiveness. She keeps claiming each time that it happens that she loves him so much.
The thing is that this my friend really loves her and would always take her back and accept her plea. Now she is at it again for the third time or it could be more that's if my friend tell me all that happens. She left just recently to go and follow another person and it failed as usual and now she is back with the whole 'I love you' story again. This time she is claiming that she would wait for him until they are ready for marriage. He still loves her and is considering her again. Please how do I help? Thanks.

                                                                                                                                                           Fola














Dear Fola,
      It is going to be difficult for him to listen to any advice from you as long as his heart is still there. Even if he does intend to listen. He would easily forget the moment he sets his eyes on her again and she pleads with him. Anyway it doesn't mean you can't do something, all you have to do is be persistent and make him aware of what her intentions may be that's if you have clear evidence of any. Also enlighten and open his eyes to the facts in front of him that he might not be seeing.

I would personally advice that he gives her a little break. Maybe not breakup immediately since he might not be able to handle it and also I want to believe that she might actually change to know what she wants. For now it is obvious that she is still confused so he needs to help himself and herself to decide on where they want their relationship to go and how they want it. The break would help them out very much. He should use that time out to actually question himself and know if he really wants to continue with her and if she is truly willing to change. Only he would be able to determine any possible change in her behavior.
  The problem is that he is going to keep mistaking his 'high hopes' for her to be actual and clear indication of possible change. This is where you come in, if he concludes to sudden then you have to help point out certain facts that you might have noticed about her to him. He wouldn't be seeing the signs clearly right now and you being the one outside the relationship can easily show him. Help him with his patience and be patient with him also because he would need it.

It's been 4 years and counting. He has to know that whatever picture he paints for her. Whatever way he shows her that is okay to carry on is what she would speak to. What I am saying in essence is that if he shows her that it's okay to leave and comeback when she wishes then she would keep doing it. We are all humans and it takes a lot not to take the freedom you are given. If he gives her that freedom to go and comeback without establishing any strong rules against it then it is most likely to carry on into marriage. However I hope for the best and that this doesn't become the case.

Be there for him and be persistent in your advice. Nag him with the facts and be clear on your intentions. Be patient with him and show him that he needs to be patient if he decides to take that break that I suggested earlier. Let him take his time and look at the nature of the relationship again to know if he is really happy the way things are. I hope things workout for them. Take care and write to me on any new developments.

                                                                                                                                                         Ralph