Dear Ralph: I go both ways

The famous DEAR RALPH section of AskRalph blog is dedicated to real people with real life struggles. Click the link to 'read more'. Feel free to contact me by using the email form you will see when you CLICK THIS LINK  or writing directly to my emails raphaelsblogg@gmail.com or askralphblog@gmail.com if you have an issues you want me to discuss. I would also want to encourage everyone that reads to drop their comments and inputs on the issue. Feel free to object or support any advice I give and drop your own thoughts. It's all in the best interest of the poster and the AskRalph family as a whole. So lend your advice and support through the comments section. It'll be really helpful to the poster. This is one of the main reasons I opened this blog. If you are reading this then I look forward to your participation. Ralph does not....I repeat DOES NOT have all the answers so your opinion counts a lot.... Alright let's do this!





Dear Ralph,
 
         Thank you for the opportunity to talk to you and let out most of the things bordering us. My own issue is fear of what my husband will think of me. We just got married last year August and things have been going okay. We face some issues but nothing that we can't handle. Recently we started getting more adventurous in our intimate life because we didn't want to turn into an old couple that won't have time for each other in the bedroom. One of the new things we started trying out was watching adult movies together. We have been doing it for a while now and somehow my husband noticed that I usually get more and easily turned on when it comes to the lesbian movies. He started asking questions if I like other girls and I told him I do not. The truth Ralph is that I have actually been with another girl, just one other girl and that was back in secondary school and we hooked up again in university to try it out again. That was long before I met my husband. In fact after the second time I hooked up with the girl I knew that I didn't like it. I am not a lesbian and this isn't saying that I have problem with lesbians. I know a couple of them as friends and I don't hate them but I am speaking for myself. I feel really bad lying to my husband, he is a good person and each time I lie to him I feel hurt inside. At the same time I don't want to destroy my relationship. I am afraid he will look at me in a different way if he finds out what I have done and that I have been lying to him. He sees me as a good person and very innocent and I don't want to spoil that image he has of me. Please Ralph help me. How do I handle this?


Temitope











Dear Temitope,

         I believe you have two options here. It's either you keep telling him the lie and hope that he never finds out or that if he finds out on his own that he isn't going to be angry at you for both the act and lying. Or you can tell him the truth and hope that he understands why you have been concealing it form him. I would highlight the both of them for you and hope that you make the best decision.

If you choose to keep it from him then there is a possibility that things might die down after a while and after he asks a couple more times, he would let it be and believe what you have told him so as not to sound too suspicious or doubtful of you. The bad thing is that if he eventually finds out by himself through any means, the damage is going to be doubled. The problem wouldn't just be about the act that you committed a couple of years ago before you met him, it might not even be a problem at all for him. The issue would be that you didn't trust him with the truth and that you lied to him. He could be very disappointed in you and this could dent the trust you have in your relationship.

Secondly if you choose to open up to him then know that there is a possibility that he would judge you based on that. However I honestly would tell you to choose this particular option for a couple of reasons. There is a possibility that he wouldn't see it as a problem and appreciate the fact that you told him what happened. I know that so far you have lied to him but if you choose this option then do not wait for him to ask you again. Wait for a random day and tell him that you want to explain something to him. Tell him about everything that you have done in the past and let him know that these things happened before you knew him. Let him know that you have dropped that life and that you are convinced that you aren't going to carry on with that life. Explain to him why you lied to him and how embarrasing it was for you to admit the truth. Generally explain everything to him calmly and allow him to digest it because honestly I think you owe him that. He is your life partner and things would be a lot easier for the both of you if you walk the path of honesty early in your marriage. I know you are afraid of your image and how he would look at you but trust me, you would want him to know you for who you are. If he knows every single thing you have done and is willing to still be with you then you have nothing to fear. But if he feels he is in love with someone else that you aren't, someone you have painted for him then I must tell you that it isn't healthy. So Pick a day and talk to him, if he starts judging you or pulling away from you then let him know what it took for you to open up to him. He has to know that it wasn't easy for you and how you felt inside keeping things from him.

Learn to communicate your heart to your partner in a way that he would understand. That is going to help you in this situation and others to come but generally just makes sure that you both put honesty first. It is very important in relationships.

Take it easy and just look for the perfect time to talk to him. Speak to him calmly and if he gets disappointed show him that you didn't mean to disappoint him and let him know that you are a different person today. Let him know that, that was your past and that the woman he has been seeing is the woman that you are presently. He has to know that nothing has changed.

Finally the decision is still yours to make. You can choose to tell him or just let it die down. Either way I would be here for you if you need any more advice so feel free to write to me anytime. Welcome to the fam!


Ralph