Dear Ralph: I go both ways (Men and Women)

Dear Ralph,
           I Am quite ashamed That's why I am not sending this mail myself, the reason being that I am bisexual. I have had boyfriends and girlfriends but I prefer d gals though because I know I can't get pregnant and I feel more satisfied with being with a girl. I Am not proud of it that's why I want a way out plus I am engaged and not okay with the 14 years prison law in Nigeria. I also find myself touching myself if you know what I mean and the thoughts then are purely female thoughts just at times its about my man. Is it wrong to touch myself especially to quench ones desire for intimacy?
My friend who sent you this mail is quite aware because we've been friends since our university days and she doesn't judge me with it that's why she suggested me talking to you about this. I don't want her to give u my email or number cos I can't face you but please just kindly advice and put it on your blog too in case anybody who has to over come this is also on your blog. Thanks

                                                                                                                                               Anonymous









Dear Anonymous,
        I want you to first concentrate on the fact that you have realized what you want to change. That is the first step to achieving your goal. You have mad a choice that you do not like what you are doing, not anybody else but you made that choice and that is something you should be happy about. It means you are determined to go through any process it might take. This means that things would be easier for you because you have gotten one phase over with already which is acceptance. All you need is to stay focused on what you want and you are gold.

First of all, you are already engaged to a man who I assume doesn't know of your sexuality. Think about him, I know that some of us men might say that having a woman who is into other women is a big switch on but the truth is, that is a bachelors way of thinking. Once he gets committed to you and you to him, the truth is that everyone, both men and women alike expect you to be true to them. Especially if there was no prior arrangement of an open marriage. So remember that you could loose your man if you keep to this path. Also as you know you risk a jail time just as you mentioned, if you are exposed.
     There are actually men who would contrary to what I mentioned earlier welcome this idea, so if your man is among them then you have nothing to worry about. Just make sure that you aren't hurting yourselves or lying to yourselves if you choose this option. Now also I know that you feel safer with women because you can't get pregnant, but you would need to be pregnant one day. So if you do not want to get pregnant by Artificial Insemination, then you might need a man for that and that is where your fiance would come in. But I am not saying you should get married to him just because of the procreation.

I want you to also understand that it is absolutely normal for girls to be turned on by thought of their fellow girls. The truth is that this occurs with men also, although most of men would never admit to this, the ladies tend to admit more. Of cos in our country even a lower percentage of both men and women tend to agree to this because of our society, but the human brain is what it is and you can't lie to it no matter how you try. So if you occasionally get thoughts of women while you are by yourself, just know that it doesn't necessarily mean that you are bi and if that is the only thing that is making you worry, I think you might be worried for nothing. If not, I still want you to know that it's okay to cancel this off your list of things to change or else you absolutely want to change every single thing and trace of this situation. I personally count having thoughts of your fellow women simply as a fetish and not a clear indication of being bi.

You would need to start trying harder with your man, since you are still attracted to men and not repulsed by them, being with a different person, be it man or woman should be hard for you once you are committed to your man. So the question is, how much in love are you with your potential husband. How much are you willing to sacrifice for him and for yourself.

The truth is that what you might have to do to get rid of this totally might be equal to generally re programming your brain. You would need some sessions with a psychologist, it's not just something that you would read up and change immediately. That is why I want you to focus on your husband and for you to know that being by yourself with thoughts of others isn't a clear indication like I mentioned earlier. So make a choice today on who you want to be with and the gender you choose. Combined with the reasons I gave you above and few tips, you should be fine.

Remember you would never be judged here at Ask Ralph. No matter what it is, the most important thing is what you choose to do about it. Be safe and be careful. Take care for now and you can tell your friend to write me again when you need any extra help until whenever you are comfortable to come out on your own.

                                                                                                                                                      Ralph